Michael Kelso
"If this is about maturity, I want nothing to do with it!" Michael Christopher Kelso (born August 28, 1959) is a fictional character from Fox Network's That '70s Show, played by Ashton Kutcher. Tall and lanky, he is the dim-witted pretty-boy of the group, coasting through life on his good looks. His behavior is very much in line with a stereotypical oversexed lunkhead or male-bimbo. Kelso has surprised many by scoring higher on a test than some of his other friends, leading some to believe that perhaps Kelso isn't dumb but just naïve. Biography Kelso failed the first grade for his "refusal" to write in cursive and murder of the class bunny. He's been lying about his age ever since. On a trip to potential colleges he said he had been dropped on his head as a child. In the early on episode "Stolen Car", Eric reveals that Kelso is one of 7 kids, including his older brother, Casey, and an unnamed sister whom Hyde says is an uggo, a term used to describe someone who is not attractive. Kelso's interests include sex, smoking cannabis, watching Christmas cartoons, playing with Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, buying toy dinosaurs, and dreaming of being a spaceman. And talking endlessly about how good-looking he is. Kelso accidentally shot Eric Forman's pet hamster, Snowball, with a BB gun. He also did the same to Steven Hyde, but the BB just missed him. Hyde responded in kind by shooting Kelso from behind. "The BB remains even to this very day. I play with it sometimes when I'm bored," he tells. When the show started he was dating Jackie Burkhart, played by Mila Kunis, a popular and self-centered cheerleader. The two lost their virginity to each other after Kelso and his friends got out of jail for riding in a car that was mistaken for being stolen. Jackie gets on Kelso's friends nerves on a daily basis and Kelso repeatedly said that he was going to break up with her. But Jackie beat him to it and broke up with him after a pregnancy scare. They got back together later. Kelso loves a good burn as much as the next guy, even when the burn is at his expense, but generally he doesn't mean to severely hurt someone, which he often does but most of the time he hurts people by an accident through virtue of his innate stupidity rather than by design. It is revealed on That70sShow.com that the astrological sign of both Kelso and Jackie is Virgo. He had an affair with Eric's sister Laurie (played by Lisa Robin Kelly). This leads to Kelso and Jackie breaking up again in season two--Laurie made it so Jackie would find out. And Laurie wasn't the ONLY other woman he was making time with. The next season they get back together after Jackie devises a set of tests to see if Kelso has matured. But at the end of season four Jackie wants to get married, a freaked out Kelso decides to bail out on Jackie and helps Donna Pinciotti run away to California, when they come back Kelso finds out Jackie has moved on and is now romantically involved with Steven Hyde. He tried to deal with it but couldn't and after Hyde cheats on Jackie, he thinks he has a shot but Hyde wants Jackie back too and fights with him over her. After discovering she chose Hyde but he wouldn't take her back, Kelso decided it was his job to get them back together. In the sixth season a plotline was added that made Kelso the illegitimate father of a baby girl (conceived in a bathroom at a Molly Hatchet concert). Shannon Elizabeth guest-starred as Brooke in several episodes during that year. In Season 7, he gets involved with Hyde's sister Angie but she breaks up with him after she is transferred to another job (Which he gets angry at but was going to break up with her anyways). In Season 8, he leaves Point Place, but before he does, he proposes to Jackie and he is rejected (Which he is delighted about). Then he tricks the gang in the circle that he was leaving now but was really leaving the next day. His character became a policeman, albeit a bumbling one. Actually, bumbing is being generous. His incompetence is spectacular. Even more so than that of the legendary Keystone Kops. He was finally fired in disgrace in the last season, after which he actually shot the police dog while saying good-bye to him. Like Topher Grace, Kutcher chose not to renew his contract for season 8. Consequently, Kelso is kicked off the force, prompting him to accept a job as a security guard for a Chicago-based playboy bunny like club (Which eventually closes in 1991) from the sleazy owner who is played by guest star Bruce Willis (ex-husband to Ashton's real life wife Demi Moore). He returns for New Years Eve and jumps off the watertower with Hyde and Fez (Hyde and Fez obviously trick Kelso in to jumping by himself). He then joins the last circle and has to call Red a dumbass. He is also the last character to be seen as the show ends, grabbing the stupid helmet, as he makes his way up the basement stairs. He has an older brother, Casey Kelso (Luke Wilson). One time when Kelso fell off the water tower he said that he fell off the water tower in every grade. Hyde constantly hurts Kelso, and he eventually ends up hurting Kelso's eye. During an episode Kelso drinks raw eggs from a cup and Jackie says that he is allergic to eggs, which he then says he has to go to the hospital. During his car ride with Hyde and Eric, his face has swelled up and in the hospital, is no longer able to attract girls. In one episode, it is revealed that he took nearly 14 porno-like pictures of himself,which were found by Hyde, Fez and Leo, much to their amusement. Personality Apart from acting incredibly stupid, Kelso has also been known to be quite sensitive. In one episode, when he started wearing a leather jacket, his friends started to make fun of him for looking like Fonzie from Happy Days and he kept sulking every time someone brought up this supposed similarity. This trait was also shown after an off-screen accident with mashed potatoes in the school cafeteria (he slipped in mashed potatoes and rammed his manhood into a pole), leading to the nickname "Tater Nuts," which he greatly despised. Kelso failed first grade for his refusal to write in cursive (and also an incident where he "might have" killed the class bunny) [1] and lied about his age ever since. On a trip to potential colleges, he said he had been dropped on his head as a child. In the third season premiere, "Reefer Madness," Kelso was shown in a flashback as a 13-year-old, stating that he's lost all interest in school and academic aspirations, suggesting that he wasn't always as dumb as he often appears to be. However, in an even earlier flashback, it shows him as a young boy who greets the Formans with no pants, since he forgot to put them on. This is not necessarily a contradiction as it may show Kelso was intelligent but also had his "head in the clouds". Because he has kept his real age a secret from the rest of the gang, everyone holds a grudge against Kelso because he did not use his age to their advantage and buy them beer. Kelso enjoys a good "burn," a painful humiliation to someone. He screams "Burn!" anytime anyone says a burn but most of the time he doesn't know what some of the words used in the burn mean. Also Kelso is known to be very unfaithful in relationships, thinking one girl isn't enough, a lot of his advice on relationships is to get two girlfriends. He has been caught cheating by Jackie two times, once hearing about it and secondly seeing it herself, watching him kiss Laurie (even though at the time he was leaving her for Jackie). Kelso's interests include drinking beer, watching Christmas cartoons, playing with Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, wrestling with dogs, playing wide receiver for the Point Place Vikings, playing Atari Pong, buying toy dinosaurs, and dreaming of being a spaceman. Kelso also engages in incredibly stupid activities of his own design, such as skiing off the tops of moving cars, and sliding down a rocky mountain slope in a canoe. He seems to have an affinity for falling off the town water tower, at one point claiming to have fallen in "every grade," and even does so on purpose in the series finale. He also claims that once you've already fallen off the tower, you know what's going to happen so than you can do a flip or something in that fashion. He has suffered all sorts of consequences for his idiocy, ranging from gluing his hand to the Formans' fridge to burning himself while underwater, but by dumb luck, he manages to avoid being seriously injured or killed. Kelso appears to enjoy the music of Led Zeppelin, Foghat, Pink Floyd, Molly Hatchet, Aerosmith, David Bowie, Todd Rundgren, and Peter Frampton. Some of his secrets include being a fan of Styx and having a crush on Jackie Kennedy. Kelso accidentally shot Eric Forman's pet hamster, Snowball, with a BB gun. Later, he shot Steven Hyde in the shoulder, but Hyde led Kelso to believe that Kelso had actually shot him in the eye so to get Kelso back Hyde led Kelso to become so guilty that he let Hyde shoot him with a BB gun only to show Kelso he hadn't been shot in the eye and Hyde shot him in the butt. As a running gag in the series, whenever Hyde and Kelso engage in a fight, it usually ends with Hyde "supposedly injuring" one of Kelso's eyes, prompting him to shout "Ah, my eye!" or a variation of such. Kelso once wore a pair of ski goggles to avoid this, so Hyde just kicked him in the shin. He is also known for giving not so smart advice to his friends, but it often turns against him, and then he always refuses to admit his own advice applies to him as well. Kelso has also shown a level of commitment. Despite cheating on Jackie, he never cheated on his other girlfriends (although one of them, Laurie, ironically cheated on him). Additionally, after getting back together with Jackie, Kelso never cheated and was even angered when she kissed another man. Throughout the series, however, Kelso frequently came on to Donna and attempted to grope her. In the fourth season, he complains about being the only one of the group not to see Donna's chest so much that she is forced to flash him when upon sight of her chest he faints. Gallery Click here . thumb|334px|right|The Best of Kelso (Source:Youtube) Quotes *"Burrrrrnnnnn!" *"Oh!" in a high-pitched scream *"Ah! my eye!" *"Damn Jackie!" *"Right now I'm just Jackie's friend. But what she doesn't realize is that I'm also a boy. And eventually 'friend' is gonna lead down the path to 'boy', and then I'll be her friend-boy." *"Man, what fun is it being a girlfriend if you don't even have your own boobs to play with?" *"If being smart isn't gonna help me with the chicks, I want nothing to do with it!" *"When girls cheat, it's way worse. Because girls don't even like sex." * "I don't get Jackie, man. I mean, picking Fez over me? Me? I have the three things that women want. I'm hot, and I'm smart!" *"I have a question. If Hyde was in Hyde's bed and Jackie was in Hyde's bed, what exactly was going on in said bed?" *"Eric, I'm telling you this as a friend that likes to see you get hurt." *Angie on their holiday circle "It's Thanksgiving. Some people bake pies... we bake ourselves." *"You guys want to know a funny word? Pickle-weasel!" *"a Mountie If ham's Canadian bacon, then what the hell do you call bacon?" *"You know what your problem is? I'm too good looking." *"It's another box of dogs!" *"I ate gum off a parking meter once... it was on a dare. I made a dollar! Man there's some SUCKERS out there!" *"Yeah, you know, that's a good way to hunt. Because even if you don't get anything, you still have all the fun of a whistle and a stick." * "I'm not good with the snobs, but slutty is my bread and butter." *"Alright! We're getting a fat kid!" *"Oh Yeah, Uh Donna I'm going to need you to pull my pants down." "Okay" turns around "AHHH! Wedgie!" *"(Donna says"But that's not how evolution works."Sure it is. Like,if I could only eat meat,but I had to eat really fast animals,my feet would eventually evolve into rockets." Trivia *Kelso can be seen wearing Nike brand shoes in several episodes even though Nike sneakers weren't released to the public until the early 80's. This is a common flaw in some shows taking place in the past, as they can wear almost any shoe they want. *On the episode, The kids are alright. Kelso gets very swollen and has to go the hospital due to egg allergies. Yet in the first season he ate deviled eggs and even other types throughout the series and was perfectly fine. Category:Characters Category:Male